The healing power of laughter continues

Most readers of DVM Newsmagazine recognize that laughter is good medicine. In contrast to many other types of medicine, it does not require a doctor's prescription, and there is little danger of overdose. Best of all, the price is right. Laughter is such good medicine that even if we take it in such small doses as smiling or cheerfulness of disposition, we will benefit from it.

When you're smilin': Taking a break for a bit of humor can brighten everyone's day.

Thank you for your cards and letters encouraging a third installment concerning this topic. This column contains more humorous stories, the intent of which is to make you laugh. Especially during these difficult economic times, we mustn't take ourselves too seriously. If this column causes you to smile, please pass it on to a colleague or member of the veterinary healthcare team in your clinic or hospital. And please consider brightening my day by e-mailing one of your favorite jokes or humorous stories.

A door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesman managed to bully his way into an elderly woman's home in the backwoods of Minnesota. "This machine is the best ever!" he exclaimed, while pouring a bag of dirt over the carpet.

The woman responded that she was really worried it may not all come up, so the salesman said, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dirt completely, I'll lick it off myself."

"Let me get you some ketchup," she said, turning toward the kitchen.

"That's no problem, ma'am. This beauty can suck up ketchup in a blink!" the salesman crowed proudly.

"Oh, it's not to vacuum, it's to help you. We're not connected to electricity yet."

In the bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started to scrub his hands and arms up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, and they taught us to be sanitary."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Cornell, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas A&M, and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent him flowers for the occasion. The bouquet arrived at the new business site, but the card read, "Rest in peace."

The owner was a bit dismayed and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist about the obvious mistake and how disappointed he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

A federal office worker finds a lamp in an old file drawer. He examines it and rubs off some grime, and a genie pops out. For his first of three traditional wishes, he wants to be on a beautiful deserted island. Poof! There he is.

Next, of course, he wants gorgeous babes. Poof! There they are.

Finally, he realizes he must sustain this great life and wishes he would never have to work. Poof! He's back at the office.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A woman has twins, and she gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

"They're twins," he exclaims. "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A hungry newborn collie was lost in the Castle Lane neighborhood and was seen eating watermelons in a neighbor's garden. He quickly developed the reputation of being a little melancholy.

What do you think is sometimes recommended for repair of a broken heart? Ticker tape!

Once a friend bought a secondhand watch without a second hand. When I asked him if he had a second, he said, "Just a minute."

Two hunters are roaming the woods, when all of a sudden one of them grabs his chest and dies. The other hunter calls 911 and tells the operator, "My friend just grabbed his chest and died!"

"OK, OK, calm down," replies the operator. "Go over to him and first make sure that he's actually dead."

"OK, I can do that," says the hunter.

The phone goes silent. Then a sudden bang from a gun is heard. "OK," says the hunter. "Now what?"

Harry starts his new job at the zoo, and he is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this, when suddenly, a great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish go, so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realizes that his boss is not going to be pleased. So Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions. Why? Because lions will eat anything containing protein. So Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in some fencing used to restrain the monkeys, and a couple of chimps start throwing dung at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly.

Harry is concerned about what his boss will think, so what does he do? Yes, he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything containing protein.

Next, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American killer bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees. As you might predict, Harry mashes the swarm of bees. At this point, he isn't too worried about the death of the bees, as he knows what to do.

Later that day, a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The other lion responds, "ABSOLUTELY GREAT! Today I had fish and chimps sautéed in mushed honey bees!"

Dr. Osborne, a diplomate of the American College of Veterinary Internal Medicine, is professor of medicine in the Department of Small Animal Clinical Sciences, College of Veterinary Medicine, University of Minnesota.