Playing tricks on an alleged pothead

One of my friends recently compared running a practice to being the principal of an adult daycare. I thought that was hilarious. And I agreed with him as I dealt with an interesting situation with a staff member.

About one o'clock on a Monday one of the people who works outside cleaning horse stalls came to me and began telling on one of the others who works in the same area. They don't like each other and take every chance they get to try and get the other in trouble.

I never know if they're telling the truth or just trying to get the other in trouble in any way possible. It drives me crazy. Today's story was that the other fella had gone home for lunch, smoked some pot and come back to work high. The tattler was telling me the story and pointing over at the acclaimed weed smoker who was raking a horse lot with his headphones and dark sunglasses on.

He finished his tattling and turned and walked off, giving me a look suggesting that if I didn't go do something, I was a terrible boss. As I stood there, I began watching the alleged pothead. It was a busy morning and I had been working up a tough lameness case. Now I had to stop concentrating on my patient to deal with an accusation that may-or may not-have been true.

It occurred to me as I watched the employee rake that I wouldn't know what someone high on weed even looked like. I thought they laughed a lot and ate Cheetos. This guy was doing neither. But he was moving mighty slow. He looked like a three-toed sloth trying to rake that lot. But then again, he always moved that slowly. I considered going and getting a urine cup and making him submit a sample, but then it occurred to me that I don't even know if that's how to test for marijuana.

I really didn't have time for this. I had clients all over the place who needed help and now this. I decided to go over and talk to him and see if this would give me a clue. I opened the stall and went in, and he didn't even look up. I could hear the music playing in his earbuds from 12 feet away. This is one of my pet peeves. I decided I would see how he responded to a little subliminal torture-maybe that would answer my question.

I stood there waving my arms until he finally noticed the motion and looked up. I began talking vigorously and pointed to the barn just north of us, except as I moved my lips, I made no sound with my voice. He took off the blaring headphones to tell me he couldn't understand what I had said.

Couldn't understand me? I'll say. He couldn't understand me because the music was so loud he couldn't hear me. I rolled with it. I began adamantly pointing to the north barn and acting like I was talking with no sound coming out of my mouth. I even changed expression several times, from a smile to a serious look and finally to a look of surprise. All the while making no noise.

He turned the volume down on his headphones, even though they weren't in his ears. He again said he couldn't understand me and twisted his expression into a concerned look that seemed to indicate that he didn't want to make me mad.

So I went through the exact same silent tirade again, only this time I raised my eyebrows and added a momentary stern expression. I pointed with great animation to the north barn and then stopped and breathed out heavily.

The employee shifted his eyes from left to right and I could see that he was trying to decide if he could hear anything at all. When he saw the tractor running in the alley to his right and confirmed that he could hear the sound it was making, he suddenly became even more confused.

I was interested to see what he would do next so I just stood there looking. Several different emotions crossed his face and then he said, “I think I'm losing it, man!” He walked off and started raking a pen in the north barn at an equally slow pace. Only this time he left the headphones off.

I have no idea if this guy had been smoking weed that day or not. But I do know that if he had been, he now believes that it causes him selective hearing loss-it kicks in only when I'm yelling at him to get something done. He never wears the headphones anymore, and he's also quit wearing the dark sunglasses.

All in a day's work.