Daisy pulls quick one on Mike

Caution! You may be one of the 12 veterinarians who are going to be highly annoyed by the material in this column.

If so, you may be very disappointed with me. However, I cannot explain why right now. First, I have to tell you what happened to Dr. Eachofus.

Dr. Eachofus was explaining to Mrs. Deeword the cause of her dog's problem. Ordinarily, she was a pleasant and cooperative client, but as she listened to Dr. Eachofus, her attitude changed dramatically. You see, when he explained that the dog's pain came from a problem with the "anal sacs," she thought he said "anal sex." Naturally, she became even more appalled as he explained that many dogs need regular attention in this area and that it was something she could learn to do at home.

As she visibly turned seven shades of purple, our hero could see that the office call wasn't going well. Thinking that she was squeamish about the thought of attending to this messy business at home, he suggested that a groomer would be glad to do it once a month or so.

She went ballistic. Grabbing her little Yorkie from the table and vowing never to return, she stormed off in search of a second opinion. The good doctor didn't understand what had gone wrong until her nasty letter arrived four days later.

And now, 12 of you are probably annoyed with me. You may think that I stole your story. But, I didn't. You see, in one form or another, you and 11 of your colleagues submitted that story to the Mike Obenski Writing Contest. It's a good story. In fact, I've written about it before, so please forgive me for using it now.

How did I get into this mess? It all started in December when the editor of this magazine, Daisy Deadline, called me with an idea. (Note: Curious readers can uncover the true identity of the editor by glancing at page 5 and reading her real name which is printed next to the word "Editor." (Go ahead. I'll wait ...)

Anyway, Maureen, oops!!!! I mean Daisy suggested that we hold a writing contest. We would ask veterinarians to submit an interesting story, award prizes for the best ones and print the winning entries in future issues. She was sure that such a contest would go over big with our readers. I was against it. I told her we would be lucky to get four entries and three of those wouldn't be any good. Besides, I have found through experience that Daisy's expectations are often unrealistic. For example, she expects my column to be submitted on time, even during football season!

Now, you may have heard the old adage, the boss may not always be right, but she's always the boss. Well, in this case, she was right. After announcing the contest in January, scores of entries began rolling in. Most of them were good, except for the ones from my friend, Arnie.

Best of all, Daisy hinted that the contest might somehow provide me with a little time off. That sounded good to me! Somehow I was going to get a vacation out of this deal.

By the end of February, several Federal Express boxes of entries had been forwarded to my office. Reading them was a joy. However, picking a winner was very difficult. Nonetheless, I eventually narrowed the field to just a few and finally chose my favorite. The winner was notified last month and will be published in our next issue.

By the way, I never did get that vacation. Apparently, Daisy played me for a sucker. It only proves the value of a rule I have stuck by ever since junior high school, "never trust anyone who can diagram a sentence."

Note to Mike from Maureen, er, from Daisy: I was right about another thing, too. You're always wondering 'who reads this drivel' referring to your column. Well, from the kudos you received with some of the entries I'm surprised your head still fits through your exam room door! What's the saying, "often imitated, never equaled?" ... Hats off to (as one entrant put it) "the master.