Obenski - Where did I go wrong?

Mr. and Mrs. Bicker were just about screaming at each other. Apparently, I had started the argument by asking a simple question: "How old is your dog?"

He was absolutely certain that they had gotten their dog while they still had the 1978 Jeep and Aunt Betty was still alive. She called him an idiot and pointed out that she distinctly recalled that the puppy threw up on a Bob Dole for president brochure. Amazingly enough, none of these important facts did me any good.

I asked if the pooch had been eating. He said, "Sure, I just saw him eat breakfast this morning." She said, "My husband is a moron. This dog hasn't touched a bite in two days."

You guessed it! It was a case of dueling histories. They couldn't agree on anything. Even the dog's name was left in dispute.

"We call him Little Guy."

"His name is actually Prince Little."

"Nobody calls him that."

"Well, I do."

I had to stop them, or I'd still be standing there listening to them quibble. I'm not sure actually why they even came to see me in the first place. (They couldn't agree on that either.) However, when they left, they seemed satisfied with our services, even though I'm not sure what it is that I treated.

That visit earned them a nomination for this year's Hokey Award in the Dueling Histories category. You see, following in the tradition of the Oscar's and Emmy's, the annual Hokey Awards are presented for best dramatic performances in a veterinary hospital.

Last month, we were in the middle of the fictitious ceremony for the presentation of this year's Hokey awards when space ran out. (You may want to check your bird cage for last month's column.)

The imaginary ceremony is hosted by a handsome and skilled master of ceremonies. (That's me.) The impartial panel of judges (me) has evaluated the choices of the nominating committee (me again) and chosen the winners.

During the ceremony, I am assisted by a gorgeous blonde model who brings me the envelopes containing the names of the winners. For the sake of family harmony and self preservation, let me note that the gorgeous model looks exactly like my wife.

At this point, several awards already have been presented. For a realistic imitation of his puppy, Scooter, butt surfing. Mr. Mimic won the Hokey for Exam Room Charades.

This year's Telephone Relay Award went to Alexander Graham Bellow for his performance entitled, "I don't know. I'll have to ask my wife." Six times during just one phone call, Mr. Bellow had to yell to his wife in the next room to find what it was he was calling me about.

The 2005 Hokey for most irritating performance in the Ventriloquism category is up next. This award goes to a person who, speaking in a squeaky voice, pretends to be their pet talking. There are two nominees. Mr. Pinenoggin's performance entitled: "Put me down. I don't like needles," was very good. However, it paled in comparison to Mrs. Oak- noodle's rendition of "I don't like that mean old doctor. Mommy, don't let the bad man hurt me."

Mel O'Drama went home with a Hokey again this year. You may recall his win in the Hysterical Phone Call category based on the panic that ensued when his dog vomited up a worm. This year, he took the Vocalization Award for the most annoying job of imitating animal noises. Mel did a great imitation of the way his dog howls and growls whenever he sees the mailman. In addition, based on those noises, he concluded that the pooch is in pain whenever mail is delivered. As a result, he was also up for the Twisted Logic Award.

Well, we are about to run out of space again. So, we will present just one more award. It is the Hokey for best performance at an imaginary awards ceremony. There are two nominees; the master of ceremonies and the beautiful blonde model.

And the winner is ...

... the beautiful blonde model. (Yes, I'm going for family harmony again.)

Dr. Obenski owns the Allentown Clinic for Cats in Allentown, Pa.