'Turn left by the blue minivan...'

If I was in charge of veterinary school curriculum, I would make "RuralNavigation and Communications" a required class for senior veterinarystudents.

Since becoming a veterinarian, I have been lost countless times. Theproblem usually lies in one overwhelming fact; the people who are givingthe directions have lived in the area of question for years and the persongetting the directions has not.

I have learned over the years the secret is found in a few key "donots:"

1. Do not write down any direction that has the word "before"in it. Here is an example: "You will turn left about a mile and a halfbefore you get to an "S" shaped curve in the road." Soundscrazy, but it has happened to me two or three times since I have becomea direction receiver. You would think that I would have learned after thefirst mile and a half trip back that "before" was not part ofthe direction receiver's vocabulary.

2. Do not write down any direction that has time as a unit ofmeasure. Here is an example: The 75-year-old rancher who only comes to townevery-other-Monday tells you, "and then you'll go straight on thatroad for about 10 minutes and turn back to the east." How far do youthink that fella went in 10 minutes? Three miles, four miles, at a milea minute, would be 10 miles. Never in a hundred years would I have guessedit was one mile, but it was. That is right, he drives one mile in 10 minutes.Wow! No wonder he only comes to town twice a month.

3. Do not write down any directions that have "relative"terms. Here is an example: "You will be on a paved road now. Stay onthis road until you come to a dirt road with "deep ditches." Youwill turn south there and go " I had to go back and forth on that roadfor what seemed like hours comparing the depth of ditches until I determinedwhich one appeared to be the deepest. I was figuring when I wrote the directionsdown, that there would be one road with deep ditches. Wrong. They all haddeep ditches. This guy only noticed the one he always drives on.

4. Do not write down anything for a landmark that is not fixedto the earth. Here is an example: " after you turn here, you will goawhile until you come to a house with a blue minivan parked in the driveway.You will make a right there. Of course the minivan was gone when I happenedby. I drove about 10 miles past the intended house before I finally gaveup and went back.

There are a few other things worth mentioning. The only way that a placecan be named after a person is if they are dead or have moved away. Thisfurther complicates learning the area for a newcomer. Here is an example:"You will drive south on this road until you come to the edge of theold Carlton place. You will turn east here." Come to find out thatMr. Carlton died in 1944 and has no living relatives.

Another thing worth mentioning is volume. If the directions have a repetitionof more than five things in them as you encounter the landmark, jot a markon your windshield. Here is an example: "after this you will be inthe ranch. You will go straight for quite awhile and then you will veerleft after the 12th cattle guard." Of course you know that I lost countat seven and had to go back and start all over.

By far, the most important thing to do is get specifics. Things likebarn color, house color, building materials used, county road numbers, exactmeasurements, mail boxes, telephone poles and any natural landmarks willcut down on how much fun it is to drive through the countryside for halfa day comparing ditch depth.

I became so intent on getting good directions that I'm sure I got onsome peoples nerves. For example: The man that I made describe every detailabout his house and its surroundings only to find when I got there thatit was the only house around for five miles and you could see it from thehighway.

Every region has its own package of directional terms. I think everyveterinarian should take the time to write down proper directions, becauseif they don't they may wind up determining that the average person can walkas far in 10 minutes as some ranchers can drive.