The veterinary team member's guide to dating and workplace relationships

Imagine working with the person who changed your diapers. Or the one who nursed you back to health when you suffered from the flu. Or the one you've loved, fought with, danced with, and slept with for the past 15 years. If you've ever worked for—or with—family, you know it can be a challenge to separate your work and personal life. And when the boundaries begin to blur, it can spell big trouble for you, your co-workers, and your family.

Is there a way to make working with a family member or love interest work for you? Consider the experiences of these team members and review their practical advice to help you balance your professional and personal relationships.

All in the family

About 60 percent of businesses in the United States are family owned, so there's a good chance that you'll work in a family-owned practice sometime in your career. Or maybe you're part of the family that owns the practice and you work there.

One of the most common relationships in a veterinary practice is a veterinarian whose spouse works as practice manager. Other common relationships might include team members who are related, such as a technician whose grown daughter joins the team as a customer service representative.

"The biggest problem is the blurring of boundaries and confusion about their roles," says Firstline Editorial Advisory Board member Shawn McVey. "Am I your mom right now, or am I your boss? Am I your co-worker right now, or am I your big brother?"

For Lee Griffith, working for his father, Dr. Scott Griffith, wasn't something new. He'd grown up working in his dad's veterinary practices, filling in as a kennel attendant, a veterinary assistant, and general dogsbody until he graduated from high school.

"Cleaning ears was probably my least favorite part of the job," Lee says. "And I remember there was a point in high school where I thought cleaning ears is one reason why I never want to grow up to work in the veterinary industry."

Instead, Lee pursued work as an auto mechanic and received special certification. At family dinners, Lee and his father would often discuss different diagnostics and techniques for cars vs. animals and discover the unexpected similarities.

"You can't really ask a dog what's wrong, just as you can't ask a car what's wrong with it," Lee says. "We'd also discuss our techniques for dealing with clients and the success we found by being transparent with clients. We found we were really on the same page with our service approach."

In 2009, Dr. Scott got an idea for a new way to practice in a unique locale: He decided to open a practice in the French Quarter of New Orleans. When Dr. Scott invited his son to fill the role of practice manager at The French Quarter Vet, Lee decided to take a chance.

"Honestly, I was never nervous about it. I was excited," he said.

Lee said his father's vision for the practice and the model Dr. Scott planned played a big role in his decision to accept the position. "The practice model he used created a practice I'm happy to be working in," he says. "I enjoy working here and I'm proud of what we've done. I love the product we're selling and the service we give clients."

Lee credits their open communication and close relationship for keeping communication streamlined. While he admits that in stressful times the natural tendency is to take comments more personally because of their personal relationship, he says their shared pride in the business and its success helps them work through conflict.

"On our more stressful days, we make a point to bring everything back to reality with a comment like, 'I'll see you at Grandma's house for dinner,'" Lee says. "It's nice to have that little reset button to pull you out of work mode now and again. We try not to lose sight of the fact that we're still family. Sometimes you've got to leave work at the office and go back to being a family. As long as you keep focus on that, it helps."

On the other hand, this father-and-son team don't shy away from work conversations after hours when inspiration strikes. Lee says this flexibility allows them to share their ideas and the space to explore them later in a work setting. The key, he says, is they try to avoid abusing their flexible business and work relationship.

"When we're not at work, we try to avoid getting too heavily into the work stuff," Lee says. "That way we can still enjoy our free time. Neither one of us wants so get burnt out on the whole situation."

Rules of engagement

Kyle Palmer, CVT, a Firstline board member and practice manager at Silver Creek Animal Clinic in Silverton, Ore., didn't meet his wife at work. They met in high school. Her father was a physical education instructor, and after graduation Palmer rented an apartment from him. Palmer and Julie Hannan Palmer were dating before Julie took a job at the two-clinic practice. In fact, they married just before Julie started working at the other facility, and team members attended their wedding. When the clinics split, they wound up at the same location.

Kyle and Julie share a love for their work. Combined, they've worked at the practice 36 years. But it hasn't always been smooth sailing. Kyle is a practice manager for the hospital, while Julie is the assistant practice manager. This means they're regularly in contact throughout the workday. They agree their biggest challenge is keeping work at work.

"Sometimes one of us wants to discuss work at home, and the other one doesn't," Julie says. "In the past, we've a hard time knowing when the other one has hit their limit of work-related talk."

Kyle agrees. "Years ago, I brought my work home with me mentally, emotionally, and in every way," he says. "I've found that my sanity depends on being able to create some space where I'm not on the job, and sometimes we're not on the same page."

At work they turn the focus to their professional relationship. They both have a large amount of management access and responsibility, but they don't always agree on solutions. Kyle says he thinks it helps when other team members see him treating his wife the same as he'd treat any other manager. For example, as the senior team member, Kyle will sometimes make a decision Julie disagrees with. And separating the work and professional relationship in these cases is critical for personal and professional success.

Although they both focus on keeping workplace interactions professional, they're both aware that team members sometimes view them differently because of their private relationship.

"Unfortunately, on occasion team members have felt empowered to make light of the fact we're married when it suits them. But they also might use that as an excuse to avoid expected behavior on other occasions," Kyle says. He works hard to earn team members' trust, and it isn't always easy. When team members share confidences with Kyle, he doesn't repeat them to his wife in private. But because she's part of the management team, Julie is sometimes independently aware of some of these personal issues. So Kyle must walk a thin line in these situations.

"I'm careful not to cross the line and give Julie any information she doesn't need to do her job, and I'm equally committed to defending her access when it's appropriate," Kyle says.

If you're a team member working in a practice where co-workers are married, Julie encourages you to keep an open mind: "Try not to jump to the conclusion that the married employees are treating everyone differently."

Julie admits she's been angry with her spouse at work. Although it was years ago, she says she didn't handle it well, and she's learned to manage her frustration better now. To improve communication, Julie says she and Kyle are both sensitive to the need to discuss policies in Kyle's office instead of at home. She also makes lists to remember the issues she wants to review with Kyle at work.

"If the relationship is equal, working together will probably work," Julie says. "But if one is the other's superior, it's more difficult. I pretend that Kyle isn't my supervisor—that helps."

Dating dos and don'ts

When you're the team member involved in a personal relationship, you're in the driver's seat with the control to steer your personal and professional life. And discretion may be your most valuable tool to keep people focused on your skills and workplace performance instead of who you spend your time with after hours.

"If you met in the office, fantastic. But I as your co-worker should really not be able to tell the difference in how you work with one another, good or bad," McVey says. "The best way to keep people who aren't in your relationship out of your business is to do exactly what you're supposed to do. And when you're not able to do what you're supposed to do, you need to receive the same consequences that any other employee receives."

If employees choose to date, the best scenario is one where the employees are at the same level but don't work in the same workgroup. "If someone who used to be lower on the organizational chart now has the ear of the boss, that's a difficult thing for the culture to absorb," McVey says. "I think as a rule of thumb, it's better to date laterally than up or down. It's very uncomfortable when a superior dates one of your colleagues. And if that's the case then I think they should change the organizational charts so there's no way there's a conflict of interest with the employees who are now dating."

A common sacrifice when you date your co-worker is that you can't live your life in public the same way, McVey says. For example, you might share with a co-worker the fight you had with your boyfriend last weekend. But if your boyfriend is the practice manager, you could seriously damage his professional credibility with these personal details. So think before you reveal your private moments to your co-workers.

Finally, consider how you'll reveal your relationship to others. In any relationship there's often a time when you recognize the relationship is getting more serious. When you have the "going steady" talk, this is the time to discuss your boundaries, including how much you're going to expose—the less the better–and how you'll keep the relationship out of the workplace. Then demonstrate respect for your boss by telling him or her about your relationship. If you're up-front and professional with your practice owners and peers, you'll demystify the relationship. For example, you might approach the team members in your department and say, "Jenny and I are dating. We don't want any drama around it, but we also want to stop any rumors."

"It's really about boundaries and information management," McVey says. "You have to be the press agent for your own relationship. Ask yourself, 'How do I want people to view this?' Then frame the relationship that way and talk about it that way and only let people see that side of the relationship, and that's how they'll view it."

Portia Stewart is a freelance writer in Lenexa, Kan. Share your own experiences or thoughts on workplace relationships at dvm360.com/community.