Personal problems? Get the monkey off your back

Let's get real for a moment. Bad things happen to all of us. The people and pets we love get sick and sometimes die. We fight with the people we care most about. And unexpected emergencies occur, which can cause a whole heap of money troubles. Yet, you need to learn to cope with these challenges and work effectively, despite the curve balls life throws your way.

You may have heard that it's not professional to bring your personal problems to work, and there's some truth to this. You don't need to share every little bit of your personal drama. But there may be times when you find your back against the wall, and the need to share and seek support is too great to ignore. Here's a look at strategies that keep your team informed—and disruption to a minimum.

When do I tell the boss?

While there's no simple answer to this question, consider this guideline. Are your personal problems affecting your work performance? If the answer's yes, and your distraction continues for more than a few days, talk to your boss.

Dump your distraction

And you may need to come clean with your co-workers, too. If others are noticing that you seem off in some way (and especially if they're making comments to you or other co-workers) it's probably a good idea to fess up. Or maybe you just need a little more support. That's a fine reason, too, to let others in on your secret.

In all of these situations, good communication is key. It's your choice. You can communicate responsibly or you can complain, whine, and act like a victim. Which would you prefer if you were the boss?

Responsible communication might sound something like this:

"Dr. Wells, you may have noticed that my work performance has been off this past week."

"Yes, Alice, I have noticed. I've been wondering what's going on."

Are you asking too much?

"Jerry and I have been having some money problems. I'm afraid we haven't been responsible with our credit cards, and our balances have mounted up. We're not seeing eye-to-eye about this and it's putting a real strain on our relationship. I thought I could deal with the problem myself and that it would blow over, but since it hasn't, I wanted to let you know."

"I see. Is there anything that I can do to help?"

"I'm not sure, but thanks for asking. I really appreciate the support. I'll do my best to keep my problems from interfering with my work."

Compare that approach to this victim mentality:

"Dr. Wells, it's just not fair. I'm working as hard as I can to make ends meet, but Jerry keeps running up the credit cards and then expects me to pay them. On top of that, Cindy keeps hounding me that I'm not holding up my end of the work. What does she expect? We can't all be perfect like her. And as long as she keeps complaining, I'll never get the raise I deserve!"

Responsible communication starts before you open your mouth, when you accept that you're 100 percent responsible for your life—not necessarily for everything that happens in your life but for what you make each event mean and how you let it affect you. In other words, you're the author of the story you tell yourself about your life. When you accept this, it's much easier to communicate what's happened and what you're doing about it. If you need to ask for help, make your request as specific as possible and remember that a true request gives the other person room to accept, decline, or counteroffer. (See "Are You Asking Too Much?".)

What if I'm distracted at work?

First, notice when you're distracted. Check in with yourself periodically. Are you letting your mind wander? Do you have conversations with yourself, replaying a previous fight and imagining what you should have said or done? Are you overly sensitive to what others say? These are all symptoms of distraction.

Co-worker, manager, or friend?

OK, so now you know you're distracted. Woops, back here! Stay with me now. The best strategy is to communicate—responsibly, of course. When people know what's going on in your life, they have the freedom to give you some room to be however you're being. Just don't take advantage of the situation; that's what victims do.

Tips to help you cope

If you're feeling overwhelmed, I recommend some self-care. Try these ideas:

• Get more rest. Go to bed earlier or take time during lunch to meditate or take a leisurely walk in a quiet setting.

• Eat right. Cut down or cut out the alcohol, and don't overindulge in sweets. Instead, eat regular meals of healthy, fresh food, supplemented with nutritious snacks. Remember, your body's immune system is compromised during times of stress, so take care of your physical self.

• Treat yourself to some purposeful pampering. If your budget will allow it, plan a professional massage. If your pocketbook's a little thin, ask a good friend for a back rub. Or treat yourself to a long bath, complete with candles and quiet music.

• Solicit some support. For example, you may ask a good friend to be your committed listener. There's tremendous power when you really feel you've been heard. This may include conscious complaining, where you ask your friend's permission to dump all your petty thoughts and feelings out for a set amount of time. It's a bit like taking out the inner trash.

Just be sure you have your friend's permission to dump before you unload. Your friend's job is to simply be the trash can. Ask him or her not to try to fix the problem, just hear it. It's a refreshing experience.

W. Bradford Swift, DVM

Of course, if the situation warrants it, seek professional assistance from a psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, or life coach. In today's world, there's no reason to bear the burden alone. As the wise saying goes, "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it will be open to you." Help is out there. All you have to do is ask.

As a founder of the Life on Purpose Institute, W. Bradford Swift, DVM, empowers professionals to live true to their life purpose through his writing, speaking, and coaching. Please send questions to firstline@advanstar.com.