Why others don't understand you and how to say it better

I have friends and family in New Jersey, and I often drive to visit them. Every time I begin my journey, my friends wish me a safe trip. Usually they say, "Drive safe." When someone tells you to drive safe, what do you think? Perhaps they're implying I sometimes don't drive safely, so they're telling me to make sure I do a better job.

Now consider the phrase, "Safe drive." When someone says these same two words, but in reverse order, it makes me feel like they're wishing me a safe drive. It's a nice feeling. They're concerned for me and want to make sure I arrive home safely. Just switching the placement of those two words makes a heap of difference to me. I know that however they say it, their hearts are in the right place, and they all truly wish me a safe drive. I also know the ability to communicate effectively is essential at home and at work.

Managers always talk about the importance of proper communication. Some of you may shrug and think, "Oh no, not this again." Meanwhile, your team members and clients may be wishing you'd listen up and try a new approach.

Remember, being civil will cause others to like and respect you more. Being polite sends a signal to others that you care. And if you're polite, you'll feel better about yourself. Eventually you'll see the world differently and become more empathetic. It will improve your own quality of life.

Get out of the bubble

Communication is much more than the words we say. Communication is also tone of voice, pitch, volume, eye contact, facial expression and body language. I believe it also includes word choice and kindness. Choosing your words carefully and being polite will guide even a difficult conversation to a more successful end. I'll take politeness over incivility any day.

As advanced as we are with electronics, medicine, methods of communication and even the chairs we sit in, we've lost our ability to communicate effectively. Many of us fail to demonstrate these basic civility skills that show those around us the respect and courtesy they deserve by:

> Avoiding swearing

> Addressing everyone as Mr. or Mrs. Smith

> Waiting to speak until the other person is finished

> Saying please and thank you.

Today, the lack of politeness and good grammar and poor word choice increase the chances that even our well-intentioned comments may be taken the wrong way.

Start a cycle of civility

Many people believe it's natural to respond to incivility with incivility. Even team members who complain about the discourtesy of other employees will admit to being discourteous themselves in retribution. And thus the vicious cycle of incivility progresses. What we have to ask ourselves is, what are our actions doing to our workplace? Are we helping to create a kinder environment, one of respect and courtesy? One where people want to work? The answer, in this case, is no. I'm not saying we need to put up with the bullies or true verbal harassment—nobody should have to do that. But we do all possess the ability to be polite.

Maybe the doctor says to you, "You screwed up this appointment time. I told you specifically to put the client in at 9 a.m."

You can change the tone by responding, "Thank you, Dr. Cares. I did hear that you wanted the client to come in at 9 a.m. The client had child care issues, and the earliest she could come is 10 a.m. Since you had an open appointment slot at that time, I booked her there. Would it help in the future if I told you when this occurs, or made a note in the computer?"

Or consider this client example. The pet owner says, "I've been waiting for 30 minutes."

You respond, "Thank you for waiting, Mr. Smith. I know how valuable your time is. The doctor will be able to give you her full attention now."

Maybe we should try our hardest to return to the era of respect and courtesy. It has to start somewhere. How about with ourselves? Safe drive, everyone.

Kristine Suszczynski is the hospital manager at Portland Veterinary Specialists in Portland, Maine.