Client translation an acquired skill

I waited politely while the two young men seated next to me finished their conversation.

I wanted to join in, but I couldn't. That is because they were speakingin Lithuanian. Or at least that's what I thought at first. Within a fewminutes, though, I decided that it must be Japanese. Then, a strange thinghappened. I thought I heard a word of English. It was the word, "up."I decided to listen more carefully. Within a few minutes, I distinctly heardthe word, "down." Perhaps they were speaking English. That wouldmake sense since the two men were two of my own children and I was prettysure that neither one of them could speak a foreign language.

You see, my two sons are pilots. Whenever they get together they speakin some sort of aeronautic techno-language that no one else understands.So the rest of the family went ahead and enjoyed New Year's Day while thepilots babbled on.

I was a little disappointed with myself, though. I should have understoodmore of their conversation. After all, I spend most of my day translatingpet owner language into plain English. This requires decoding innuendoes,deciphering euphemisms and reading between the lines. So, for the benefitof those of you who just graduated from veterinary school (or are just aboutto), let me give some examples.

Clara Fye called me last week to share some important facts concerningher dog's history.

"Doctor, my husband was in to see you yesterday with our dog. Doyou remember?"

Of course I remembered. It took me 15 minutes to explain why the poochneeded ear surgery. It should have taken two minutes, but Mr. Fye is notthe sharpest knife in the drawer. (If this guy was any more stupid, he wouldhave to be watered twice a week.)

She continued, "Well, doctor, I don't know if my husband mentionedit to you, but he's not really our dog. He's a stray."

Translation: "We have no intention of spending any moneyon this dog."

Let's look at another example. This time, the phone call was from HughMustadunit, another of my clients who's IQ never quite measures up to roomtemperature.

(Somewhere there is a village that this guy is depriving of an idiot.)

"I think my cat must have picked up a sickness when he was at youroffice. He has been vomiting for three days."

I glanced at the medical record. He brought the cat in for a toenailclip three months ago. At the time, he couldn't understand why he was chargedfor something that he could have done at home. (It probably takes this guyan hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes).

"Since he got sick at your hospital, don't you think that you shouldtake care of his problem for me?"

Translation: "I have no intention of spending any money onthis cat."

Just in case you haven't picked up on the trend yet, let's move on toa third example. Several times a year, I get a call from Althea Never. Itusually goes something like this: "My dog is limping, has a cough andthat rash is no better. Could you tell me how to treat him at home? I havea lot of experience with animals and I could administer any type of treatmentthat you would prescribe. (She has delusions of adequacy.) I would bringhim in, but he gets too upset when he comes to your office."

Translation: "I have no intention of spending any money onthis dog."

Hopefully, your translation skills are improving as we go along here.However, for those of you who need a few more examples, let's look at twomore.

Client: "We would hate to put him through X-rays and testswhen you can't tell us the diagnosis first. Isn't it true that sometimestests come out normal? Besides, we don't want him to suffer."

Translation: "We have no intention of spending any moneyon this dog."

Client: "I am so glad that I found you. Our last vet didn'treally care about animals. All he cared about was getting paid. He alwayswanted to know when he was going to get his money. We are bringing all ofour animals here from now on."

Translation: "We are deadbeats." (I threw in a differentone at the end just to confuse you.)

Hopefully, these few examples have helped improve your translation skills.Don't be discouraged if it seems confusing. It just takes practice. Moststrange languages can be mastered with time and patience. In fact, someday, I may even be able to communicate with my sons in their own language.

Unfortunately, my daughter is a different story. I will never understandwhat she is talking about. She is in the computer business.

Dr. Obenski owns the Allentown Clinic for Cats in Allentown,Pa.